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About the book
  • Published: 6 September 2018
  • ISBN: 9781473561212
  • Imprint: Ebury Digital
  • Format: EBook
  • Pages: 320

How to Be a Footballer

The first truly insider guide to being a Premiership footballer, from Britain’s funniest sporting icon.

‘The funniest man in British sport’ Metro
Ever wanted to know what it is really like being a Premiership footballer?

Here is the ultimate guide from the much loved every-man of English football, Peter Crouch.

Towering at 6ft 7inches, Crouch is prized for his self-deprecating humour, having famously answering the question, “What would you be if you weren’t a footballer?” with the one liner: “A virgin”. At the same time, he has had an incredible career from World Cups to Champions League finals. He has scored more headed goals than anyone else in Premiership history and has a better goals-to-minute on the pitch ratio for England than even Michael Owen. A humble professional with a great sense of humour, Crouch is one of the few players that is liked by fans of all clubs. Of course, this is probably because he’s played for most of them.

Now nearing the end of his stellar career, he shares everything he has learnt and tells it exactly like it is in How to be a Footballer, from the most colourful aspects of the game to what really happens on and off the pitch. Honest, candid and great company, this is not your standard footballer autobiography but a true insider’s guide to our favourite sport.

From a legend of English football, this is the most entertaining sports book of the year.

  • Pub date: 6 September 2018
  • ISBN: 9781473561212
  • Imprint: Ebury Digital
  • Format: EBook
  • Pages: 320

About the Author

Peter Crouch

First things first: yes I am very tall, no the weather isn’t different up here, and no I don’t play basketball. Glad that’s out the way.

I’ve been a professional footballer for 20 years, have 42 England caps, have scored over 100 Premier League goals and hold the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history.

I’ve been at a fair few clubs too, including Queens Park Rangers, Portsmouth, Aston Villa, Norwich, Southampton, Liverpool, Portsmouth, Tottenham Hotspur, Stoke and England.

In my time I’ve been promoted, relegated, won trophies, gone months without scoring, been bought, sold, loaned and abused - and I've loved almost every moment of it.

Praise for How to Be a Footballer

“However overpaid and preening you might assume Premier League footballers to be, think again. They're worse, according to this amusing insider's account”

Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year

“Who knew that a footballer could be funny? ... What you realise, as you laugh out loud, is that football has been taken too seriously by too many people for too long... Most other football books wither by comparison”

Daily Mail Sports Book of the Year

“As someone who's been there, done it and got the ill-fitting T-shirt, Crouch is well placed to shed light on the bizarre world of the modern player in a funny, down-to-earth way... He made his name on the pitch ... but with this book, Crouch proves he is a good sport off it, too.”

Jade Craddock, Sun

“On his way to being a national treasure... most enjoyable”

Daily Telegraph

“The funniest man in British sport”


“Peter Crouch is a comedy genius”

Daily Mail

“One of the funniest human beings on the planet”

Romesh Ranganathan

“Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player”

Sunday Times

“I’m not a big book reader, I’m just not. And I’ve skimmed through this already and thought ‘I’m gonna really, really, really, really like this. Seriously, I’m really gonna like it”

Chris Moyles

“I’ve never read a sports book before, but it is really funny”

Alex Jones

“Good footballers come and go but comedy genius - that’s for life”

Johnny Vaughan

“I’ve read a good number of books by footballers, both for business and pleasure, and this is easily one of the best, mainly on the grounds that it’s incredibly funny”

Ben Machell, The Times Magazine

“One of the funniest books ever”


“Incredibly funny”

Jilly Cooper

“One of the funniest human beings on the planet”

Romesh Ranganathan

“One of the funniest human beings on the planet”

Romesh Ranganathan

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